Two stoners, a wizard and Ben Paul
by Wandering to her doom
Summary: Eddie gets arrested, Someone puts Mark's name in the Goblet of fire, Ben's a lawyer and Wyatt...he's just freaking Wyatt. (Crack fic)


I don't own anything. Enjoy this magical tale. It seemed like any other Sunday for Wyatt, he lounged around his and his long time friend and roommate Eddie's apartment, watching bad TV, eating chips, not even bothering to get change out of the boxers and white T-shirt he slept in the night before. Sundays were always a lazy day for him, not that he could complain, he could relax without giving a single shit in the world...then the phone rang.

'Odd, I wasn't expecting any phone calls, maybe I won another free trip to Floria.' He though getting up from the recliner and answered it, figuring it might be a wrong number, he paid his rent and taxes on time like always.

"Hello?" He spoke into the phone.

"Hey, Wyatt it's Eddie ...I Uhh..." His stoner friend greeted. Just by the shaky tone in Eddie Voice the blonde man already had too conclusions. Number one, it would either cost them a shit ton if cash, or two Eddie was hung over and naked...again. With a heavy sigh he spoke again.

"What did you do this time?" He asked.

"Why do you always assume I did something?" Eddie scoffed as Wyatt rolled his eyes.

"Because it's always something you did."The glasses wearing man shook his head."Look, quit stalling already, what happened?"

"I kind of...got arrested." Eddie confessed.

Wyatt's eyes widen, his jaw hung open. He and Eddie did do some illegal shit every now and then, smoke a little pot round the shady parts of town but they we're careful.

"What the fuck did you did?!" He screamed into the cordless phone.

"We'll...Dude...I might had...tried robbing some fast food joint." He said in a rather meek tone.

By now Wyatt's eyes were almost popping out of his head.

"YOU FUCKING WHAT?!"

"I-I was hungry man!" Wyatt's friend (Or most likely now former friend)cried into the phone.

"So you rob a fucking fast food joint!?"

"Look, man just come by and help me out." He begged. "Me and my lawyer are talking it over, come on dude!"

Shaking his head in disappointment Wyatt wondered why he was always the one who was having to get Eddie out of whatever crap he gotten himself into.

"Fine, I'll be there soon." After Eddie gave him the location of his whereabouts he manage to hail down a taxi and finally arrived at the jailhouse, truth be told he knew one day Eddie would end up here, he just didn't think it would be so soon...and over something so stupid as well, but then again this was EDDIE he was bound to be punished for his lack of common sense at some point in life.

After signing a few papers he was allowed to see Eddie. There he was, in a pair if hang cuffs sitting in a chair.

His eyes perked up seeing his blonde friend.

"Dude, you came!" He exclaimed happily. Wyatt was so tempted to slap that stupid grin off his face.

"I can't fucking believe you." He grumbled bitterly. "Of all the dumb shit you do, why this?"

"I was hungry."

"We have food at the apartment!"

"You always eat all the good shit!"

Wyatt's palm was smack dead centre in the middle of his forehead.

"Chill-lax man, I got the best lawyer I could afford."

With this statement it eased the glasses clad man, Eddie had recently been saving up for a bigger TV to them to play video games on, It may had been the only committed thing Eddie had done for as long as he known him.

"Where then, shouldn't you be talking this over with your lawyer by now?" He asked arching a brow.

"He went to the bathroom, should be here any second now." Eddie said. And sure enough the door flung open, as well as at least a few dozen sheets of papers scattering from a half open brief case.

"I'm sorry! There were out of toilet paper!" A rather young and lanky looking man cried. He had a head if light brown hair and bright blue eyes entered the room. Wyatt eyed Eddie's lawyer up and down, for starters he looked waaaaaaay to young, either in college or senior year of high school, also he seemed like a nervous accident prone wreck, he gave the man a "I killed everyone you ever loved and can't do anything right" vibe.

"Wyatt, meet my lawyer Ben Paul." Eddie introduced as the young man tried to quickly collect the papers.

"H-hi." Ben greeted gathering the last of the documents.

"Hey..." He greeted back and cleared his throat. "Not to question you but...aren't you a little young to be a lawyer?"

"Yeah, I am...I'm not even sure if it's legal for me to even be doing this, I never even been to law school, I'm only doing this for college credit"

With this confession Wyatt's eyes widen, if this were some cartoon his eyes might had popped out of their sockets. "Never been to fucking law school?!" He repeated then turned to Eddie, anger in his eyes.

"I though you used that money you were saving up to hire a GOOD lawyer?!"

"Bro, I was smart, I got something better than a TV." He explained. "I got a phone call saying I won a free trip to Fiji, I had to pay to fill out some questionnaire, now I just gotta wait three weeks then it's drinking out of cocoanuts for us!" He cheered happily.

By now Wyatt was using all the control he had to not wring his pal's neck. "Is it too late to hire a REAL lawyer?" He asked.

"Nah man, Ben's good, he can lie and always tells me the truth." He explained. "Watch, Ben...am I beautiful?"

In a spilt second sweat dripped down from Ben's forehead, he avoided eye contact with both if them and fidgeted like wild. "Errr...uhhhh...I-I...Yes?" He finally replied.

Eddie grinned And looked at Wyatt. "See? Everything is gonna be A-okay!" He mused.

"Jesus, for fucks sake Wyatt he can't lie!" The blonde man hollered as it finally hit Eddie.

He let out a depress sigh. "Holy shit..." He exclaimed breathlessly in shock.

"You really could go to jail..."although glad his friend had finally understood the seriousness of the situation but if Eddie really was gone it would be like losing a part of himself...the pothead, lack of common sense, childish part of him.

Eddie shook his head. "Nah, not that shit." He turned to Ben, his eyes full of sadness. "You don't think I'm beautiful?"

Wyatt let out an annoyed grunt. "Eddie!" He snapped . " Don't you have ANY cash on you?!" He demanded .

"Sorry man...spend the last I had on gas." He shrugged.

"We're screwed aren't we?" Asked Ben looking at Wyatt and Eddie.

"Ben, that's most likely the only thing your be right about." Wyatt grumbled looking at his feet.

Eventually the dreaded court date came, Wyatt and Eddie had no such luck when it came to seeking out a new and better lawyer but still couldn't afford too pay for one's services. The courtroom was just like the one you see on those courtroom TV shows. Wyatt wondered why he was even here, he was Eddie's roommate but he didn't think that was a good enough reason to be here.

"Can't believe I got dragged into this mess." He complained to Ben."Then again this whole fanfic is a mess."

"Wyatt!" Ben gawked. "You shouldn't just go around breaking the fourth wall!"

Before he had the chance to speak the courtroom doors open revealing the other lawyer.

"Holy shit!" Eddie gasped. "It's hipster Harry Potter!" He exclaimed as the glasses wearing lawyer frowned, as he sat down.

"My name's Mark." He introduced annoyed.

"You actually read the series?" Wyatt asked as Eddie shook his head.

"Saw the movies."

"That would explain it." The blonde man muttered rolling his eyes. Mark in the meanwhile was cursing about having to play the asshole lawyer in this fanfic.

"Why me? Why must Nate and Carver have their one day off in Fiji when this fanfic needs an asshole lawyer." He grumbled as Ben's eyes widen again.

"Stop breaking the fourth wall!" He pleaded.

"Ben, the fourth wall is already beyond broken." Sighed Lilly dressed in a black rob, sitting in the judge's chair, her chin resting in her palm. "Let's just get this over with."

"Dude, she's our judge?!" Asked Ben nervously.

Wyatt arched a brow. "Yeah, why?"

"N-nothing." Ben stuttered. "It's just she...kind of...scares me."

'We're fucking screw.' Wyatt though. As if they weren't screwed enough.

Mark got up and cleared his though. "Your honour-"

"*cough* Suck up! *cough*" Eddie called as Wyatt face palmed, Ben shook his head and Mark gave a quick glare before he returned to speaking.

"As I was saying, your honour, there is without a doubt all the evidence at the scene of the crime points to Mr. Eddie." He explained as Omid wheeled in a TV. "Example one, the whole thing was caught on tape, Omid, will you do the honours?" He asked as Omid nodded and pressed play.

It looked like any other normal day in any old burger joint, the cashiers we're tending to front while fry cooks handle the back. It seemed fairly normal. Then a man sporting a black ran in, armed with a gun.

"Objection!" Yelled Eddie.

"Eddie, I don't think it works like that." Wyatt whispered to him.

"I'll over look it, go on." Lilly said as Eddie stood up.

"That's not me." The beanie clad man stated boldly as he crossed his arms.

"Omid, fast forward a little." Mark ordered as Omid oblige and pressed fast forward on the VCR.

"Your never catch me, Eddie Tyson Anderson!" The black masked man yelled as he bolted out the door. Mark then turned to Eddie unamused.

"That's not you?" He asked.

"Nope." The glasses clad lawyer brought his palm to his face then looked at Lilly. "Your honour, As you can clearly see I am sure of two things, one Mr. Eddie was the one to robbed the restaurant, and two he has the IQ of a half cooked waffle."

"We'll your a nerd!" Yelled Eddie. "I bet you lost the triwizard tournament!" He then paused for a moment. "And then got Cedric killed!"

"First off the triwizard tournament hasn't even started yet" Mark yelled. "And secondly how dare you!" He snapped.

Soon it turned into a bunch of arguing between the two, Ben tried to get them to stop but of course since it Ben he couldn't do anything. Mark pulled out his wand. Lilly repeatedly smashed a wooden mallet against her stand.

"ORDER IN THE COURT! ORDER IN THE GOD DAMN FUCKING COURT!" She roared. The wooden mallet flung out if her hands and into the air.

Eddie manage to duck in time, while Mark's head on the other hand had the pleasure of meeting with the hard wooden mass bonking him harshly on the head, knocking him out cold. Lilly noticed the rest of the court room staring at her.

She smiled nervously and cleared her throat.

"Uhhh...lets take a quick lunch break."

Wyatt sat hunched over in a park bench, that was it, Eddie was done for, unless Lilly threw the mallet hard enough to completely wipe out Mark's memory they were one hundred and ten percent fucked...and not in the good way.

"I can't fucking believe this." He moaned as Ben sighed, taking a sip of the can of pop he had purchase from a nearby gas station.

"Yeah, we are." He agreed sighing.

"Your Eddie's lawyer, can't you do something?!"

"You do know your talking to me right?" The meek male reminded.

"Oh yeah, I forgot..." Eddie came back with a couple tacos.

"Oh so now you pay for food!" Growled Wyatt as his long time beanie wearing friend shook his head.

"Nah, I just stoled Mark's wallet while he was passed out." He explained then scrunched up his face. "He had some weird assed cash on him, bunch of odd coins, store wouldn't take them so I just used his credit card."

"Of course you did." Wyatt replied rolling his eyes.

"To think, all this trouble just because I wanted a couple tacos...and all the Sherk toys..." Eddie sighed eating away at his tacos.

"You just noticed that?" Scoffed Wyatt. Just then Ben's eyes lit up.

"Wait. Eddie...what did you say?" He asked.

"I wanted all the Sherk toys?"

"No before that!"

"I wanted a couple tacos?"

"Yes!" Cried Ben jumping to his feet.

"That video was a burger joint! That place never served tacos!"

"So we might be able to save his ass?" Wyatt asked as Ben smiled.

"I think we might be able too actually."

The hours rolled by and the break was over, it was time for the trio to return to court. Omid and Lilly were busy chatting awaiting the others to return.

Mark was the first to appear, Now fully recovered. Lilly and Omid stopped talking and there eyes widen. "Holy shit man!" Omid exclaimed saying his first line since this whole fanfic had started.

On Mark's forehead was a thin scar in the shape of a lighting bolt. "Did I really do that? Sorry..." Lilly said referring to the accident with the mallet.

"Oh this?" Mark asked gesturing to the scar on his forehead. "I had this since I was a baby." He explained.

The court doors flung open, Ben, Wyatt and Eddie entered the courtroom all dramatically.

Mark frown upon seeing the trio, but was at least glad he could easily wrap this up. "Your honour, mind if we make this quick?" He asked. "I'm going to be late for potions class, and I do not feel like dealing with Snape."

"Well, do we got news for you!" Eddie mused happily, a wide grin on his face. "I'm innocent!" He paused for a moment. "Of this at least!"

Mark sighed shaking his head. "Unless you drank liquid luck I doubt that.." Mark stated.

"Liquid what?" Asked Wyatt.

"Never mind, just show me your so called proofed." He demanded. Ben cleared his throat.

"The tape shows the mask robber robbing a burger joint, am I right?"

"Yes." Responded Mark crossing his arms.

"Well, is it true Eddie was arrested at a place the serves tacos?"

"Well...yeah."

"Well then, have you concluded that my client is being charged for robbing the wrong fast food place?"

There was a short pause, Mark had a dumbstruck look on his before he furrowed his brow in frustration. "Shit!" He cursed.

"Therefor all proof you have is against the wrong person!" Ben stated as both Wyatt and Eddie grinned from ear to ear.

Mark cursed under his breath as Lilly sighed.

"Well due to this little mixup, Eddie is innocent of all charges placed upon in that involve that place."

"Alright!" Both Eddie and Wyatt high five each other.

"However, the charges in the taco place must be dealt with." Lilly said as she sorted through a few papers. "Now let us start-"

A white owl flew into a courtroom.

"Hedwig!" Mark exclaimed as the snowy owl landed in his shoulder, a rolled up piece of paper on her leg.

He removed it from her leg and quickly read it. "Someone put my name in the goblet if fire!" He exclaimed in shock. He reached into his bag and pulled out his Firebolt. "I must go, Hogwarts needs me!" He said as he flew off.

"You know what?...fuck this!" Lilly said leaving the room.

Ben cleared his throat. "I...don't think you need to worry about those charges for awhile..."

Wyatt and Eddie are still living in their apartment.

Mark won the Triwizard tournament.

Lilly went to the Yule ball with Mark at Hogwarts. (What? You didn't think I was going to do something for my Otp in here?)

Nate and Carver were arrested for robbing the burger joint.

Ben is still wondering why the fuck is he a lawyer at his age.

Omid is pissed at his lack of lines in this story.

The end...

XD I may had written this mainly to make Harry Potter jokes about Mark...


End file.
